Saving You, Killing Me
by elementalist12963
Summary: 'This would be the hardest thing he had ever done and it might very well kill him too, but he had to save Dean from Hell. There was no other option.' AU sometime after 'Mystery Spot'. Not a happy fic.
1. Saving You

He found it! He finally found it! He can save Dean now. His brother didn't have to go to Hell now. Of course Sam was going to be doing something as good as switching places with him, but that didn't matter as long as Dean was saved.

"Oh, God," He prayed, hands clasped in front of his bowed head as he kneeled on the grimy floor of the motel bathroom. He didn't want Dean to catch him praying. "Thank you. Thank you." Dean had done so much good in his life, this would work.

This would be the hardest thing he had ever done and it might very well kill him too, but he _had_ to save Dean from Hell. There was no other option. He couldn't find any other way. He only hoped Dean forgave him, even if he won't deserve it.

He didn't realize he was crying until he saw his tears dripping onto the floor. He wiped them away, worried that when he came out of the bathroom Dean would notice. He had to pull himself together. He had to find that coldness he had when the Trickster left Dean dead for six months.

"Sam!" Dean's voice called from the other side of the door. "Stop hogging the bathroom, b*tch!"

Sam took a shaky breath and hoped his voice didn't shake when he replied. "Whatever, jerk!" He used the sink to help him back to his feet and then opened the door and slipped past his brother standing on the other side. Dean shut the bathroom door behind him and yelled,

"Your turn to get food! Don't forget the pie!"

Sam smiled sadly and tried to hold back more tears. "'Course, how could I forget?" He rolled his eyes. Pie is the least he could do for his brother tonight. Tonight when he was going to do the most terrible thing he's ever done.

He grabbed his jacket and the keys to the Impala and grabbed some food from the only diner in town in a daze. The lady working the counter looked at him with concern but didn't say anything and he was glad.

He sat in the Impala in front of the diner with the keys in the ignition and took the top off Dean's drink with shaky fingers. God, give him strength. The irony of him praying to God while doing what he was about to do was not lost on him.

He pulled a small white packet from his pocket and emptied its contents into Dean's coke. It was tasteless, Sam knew, and Dean wouldn't even have to drink the whole thing for it to take affect. He used the straw to stir it in and put the lid back on. Then he leaned his head against the steering wheel and choked back sobs. This would work. This had to work.

Where the h*ll was Sam? How long did it take to get freaking pie? He flipped listlessly through the channels on the crappy motel tv and sighed. Sam had been so moody lately, or more moody than usual, it was Sam after all. Sam was always a little emo, that was just how his baby bro worked. It was just lately he was spacy and Dean kept catching him staring at him all intense like and it kinda gave him the creeps. What was going on in Sam's head, he was beginning to worry.

Of course, that's when his little bro gets back and Dean can't help but want to frown at the obviously fake smile on his face. He doesn't, but he wants to.

"Dude, what took you so long?" He asks, his tone speaking of annoyance with an undertone of worry.

"There was some kinda wreck on the main road, had to find an alternate route back." He says and Dean thinks it sounds almost rehearsed. What is Sam hiding?

"Yeah, whatever, you got the pie?" He won't push it, not now.

"'Course." Sam scoffs, like he's affronted Dean thought he would forget.

Sam sets the food on the rickety table in the room and they eat in silence. Sam picking disinterestedly at his rabbit food while Dean watches him. He's really worried now, Sam doesn't eat when he's upset and he's so clearly upset. His eyes keep flicking up to meet Dean's before flicking back down. The pie is good, but it tastes kind of bland with the way Sam looks. Dean can't really enjoy it with his little brother sitting across from him still picking at food he clearly won't eat and looking like the weight of the world is on his shoulders.

"I can't stop it." Sam whispers when Dean's done eating. His little brother is still just poking his food with his fork, but there are tears in his eyes. Dean's kinda beyond worried now.

"Is this about…" He almost says 'my deal' but can't. He's really tired, he doesn't know if he wants to deal with this now, but he's kind of scared too.

"I can't, Dean." Sam says and looks at him with those heartbreaking eyes of his. "But I found a loophole. I can save you, Dean."

"Sam…" He trails off as his head spins, braces a hand on the table to try and stop the world spinning. He's scared, and confused, and really really _tired_.

"It's okay De." Sam says and Dean wonders how Sam got over here so fast. Sam tugs him to his feet and drags him over to one of the beds.

"It's all going to be okay." Sam says as he lays Dean down. His limbs feel kind of disconnected from his body, like jelly. It's kind of unpleasant.

"I'm so sorry, De." He can see Sam's face above him, can see Sam's crying, but he can't really feel any of his brother's tears drip onto his face. "If you die before the deal's up they can't collect your soul."

It hits Dean then, what's happening. Sam poisoned him. Sam _poisoned_ him. Oh, God. His little brother's killed him. Horror rolls in his gut.

"It's okay De, you're not going to go to Hell. You're going to go to Heaven." Sam says with his hand on Dean's face and Dean tries to fight against the heaviness of his eyelids. He's _dying_.

"Don't fight it De, just let go and say hi to mom and dad for me, huh?" Sam's voice breaks about halfway through and he sobs.

"I love you, De." It's the last thing Dean hears before his eyes fall closed and darkness wraps around him.

* * *

**A/N This didn't really come out the exact way I wanted it to, but I'm posting it anyway. I have some ideas on continuing it, but I don't know if I will or not, I would like to know if anyone wants me to. I mean if no one tells me to I might decide to continue anyway, but it'd be nice to have a little encouragement.**


	2. Killing Me

Sam isn't sure how long he sits there crying over his brother's body. He thinks about ending his own life, so at least he won't have to live without Dean, but decides against it. Dean bought Sam's life with his soul and he was going to live it. He was going to keep going, keep hunting. He knew no amount of lives saved would make up for the one he took tonight, but he would reach for atonement anyway.

He packs his and Dean's things and carries Dean's body out to the car. He doesn't check out, it's midnight anyway. So he just gets in the Impala and drives, glancing in the rearview at Dean's body every few minutes. It hurts every time. He killed his brother, he's a monster, Dean never should've brought him back.

He takes Dean's body somewhere secluded and builds a pyre. He wants Dean to go to Heaven, not hang around as a vengeful spirit because his brother killed him. He says a prayer as Dean burns. There's something poetic about the whole thing, that the last thing Sam ever sees of his family are flames licking hungrily at their faces. Mom burned on the ceiling of his nursery, dad burned on his funeral pyre, and now Dean burned on his. It's why Sam finds himself laughing madly while the scent of his dead brother's burning flesh chokes him and he thinks '_God, when I die, I want to burn to death_'. It's only fitting, the Winchester legacy of fire and it'll continue for eternity when he burns in Hell for his sins.

He's still laughing by the time the fire dies out, the sound echoes in the open space of the field he's in and there are tears streaming down his face. It isn't long before his laughs are sobs and not much longer after that he's dreaming of fire, and pain, and Dean screaming at him in anger.

When he leaves, his skin is speckled with dew and he's shivering. He doesn't care, just drags himself away from the ash that was Dean, climbs in the Impala, and drives off in the direction she's facing, west.

He takes every hunt he can find, whether it's a simple salt and burn or a wendigo. He works alone, avoids other hunters like the plague and only speaks to people when he absolutely has to. He likes the dangerous jobs. The ones that cut a little too close and leave him doing his own little emergency medical procedures in the Impala or the motel. He doesn't take pain meds when he's hurt, just suffers through it because it's what he deserves.

There's a demon using its powers to crush his throat when Ruby shows up and saves him. She's mad at him, says he's suicidal and he needs to get his act together if he wants to save Dean. She says Dean went to Hell anyway, even though no demon came to collect. Sam knows she's lying, all his research pointed to Dean going to Heaven and he isn't going to fall for her stupid demon tricks. Instead he laughs and then he traps her in a devil's trap. He tortures her, because she saved him from that demon, her host is already dead, and he can. He kinda likes it, torturing her. So he stops, because he's already enough of a monster, and he kills her with her own knife. He wonders if Dean is looking down on him from Heaven and trying to figure out how to smite him with lightning.

Bobby's been calling for months and Sam wonders if he even knows Dean's dead. Sam never answers and he never checks his voicemail. He turned the GPS in his phone off weeks ago. He doesn't want to be found. He doesn't deserve to be found.

* * *

**A/N: I continued, and I'm mildly more happy with it this time, I intend to keep continuing it, but I have to decide where I'm taking it first. I have a couple possible endings in mind, some of them are happy, some of them are not. **


End file.
